
Startled, she stared at the stranger as he slid into the booth across from her. She wanted to be alone but something about the way she was being watched kept her silent. The stranger didn’t speak as the waitress came over and poured a hot cup of coffee for each of them. As she moved away, the stranger leaned forward and drew in a deep breath of the aroma wafting up from the cup. Setting it back on the table he looked at her once more “you look tired.” She scoffed. Who did he think he was? “Thanks” she said sarcastically. “Really. You look like you’ve been through a lot, seen a lot, like you’ve lost a lot.” She shook her head looking out the window. She saw the reflection of an annoyed smile gracing her features. This guy thought he knew so much; well, she would tell him about loss, about being tired. She looked back at him and sat back in her seat. His stare was all the more intense, like he really wanted to hear her story, so with a deep breath she launched into it.
“Time doesn’t hold the same meaning for me anymore. I use to relish each day as a new adventure, life was full of work and play and friends, but now it is just death. Every day is just more death. I tried to escape it. I sold everything and disappeared from the world. I’ve separated myself from everyone, especially those I love, to be here. At least the death I experience here has less of a tug, and it is the tug that is so difficult to resist. I can walk with you right up to that last point, completely ready to turn back. But when you let go, I cannot. I want to keep hold of you, stay with you, till your journey’s end but I can’t, and every time you leave me it is like another piece of my soul, of what makes me human, is being pulled away. I’ll tell you, honestly, each one is hard to experience but the most terrible, was the first. The first time I experienced death, it truly felt like I was dying.
“She was 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, 57 minutes old and in the car next to me. We were stopped at a light, she on the way to daycare and me to work. I only glanced over for a second, she was staring at me. I waved, she waved back, and that was it. The light changed, and we went on our merry ways, at least that is what I thought. As the car she rode in turned away, I caught a glimpse of the mom smoking with the windows shut tight. For the next 15 minutes, I couldn’t get the stench of cigarette smoke out of my nose. I thought it was just out of concern for the little girl, Lydia, and when the air cleared around me I continued with my day. Lydia was out of sight, out of mind.
“At 11:00 am that morning, in the middle of a rather important sales meeting with my firm’s largest client, I peed myself. And instead of the mortification I should have felt, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of great satisfaction. The mortification finally came when I had to stand and leave the meeting so I made a big show of spilling my cold coffee on my skirt. Luckily, I always keep an extra suit on hand. Around 2:00 that same day I passed out. It wasn’t like fainting; it came over me suddenly and my head started bobbing. I lost focus and barely made it to the sofa before I was out cold. When I woke up two hours later I was in the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth. I left work early that day. I thought maybe I’d been working too hard, I just needed to relax. It was later that evening that I died…for the first time.
“I had just laid down on my bed when I could again smell cigarette smoke however, this time it was stronger, like a cloud of noxious gas suffocating me. I rose to locate the source but it never got stronger or weaker. I couldn’t escape. I tried walking out to the balcony for fresh air but nothing changed. I tried to take deep breaths to clear my airway, but it only made things worse. I tried loosening my clothes as I walked for the phone to call for help, but I never made it. My ears began to roar and then my vision tunneled until there was only black. When I came to I was sprawled on the floor, soaking from my own sweat. Finally, I found the strength to pull myself up, and I went to my neighbors to have them drive me to the ER. The doctors listened to what I had to say and checked me thoroughly but to no avail. The final theory was that I had an allergic reaction and that I was just damn lucky for a miraculous recovery.
When I was discharged I had every intention of going directly to a friend’s house for the night, but then I passed her room. She was unconscious and hooked up to breathing tubes with weeping parents nearby. Lydia. I couldn’t help it; I was drawn to her. No one seemed to notice or care as I stepped into the room. “The silence was deafening. I could see the blip of the monitor and the lips of her parents moving, but everything remained void of sound. When I reached the side of the bed I looked down to see Lydia’s tiny, pristine features were set in stone. I knew there was no coming back, that her last moments were passing, so I reached out my hand to hold hers. I don’t know why, if it was to comfort her or myself, but I stood there and waited till she finally looked up at me. I felt like it was my responsibility to be there with her. I realized then that what I felt all day was what she was feeling and that I needed to be there with her those last few moments before it would end. Nobody noticed, or tried to stop us as we left that room, together hand in hand, and ventured down the hall to the stairwell. I still don’t understand how I know where to go, but I always seem to find the door. That particular door normally would have led to the roof. We stood there for a moment until I felt her squeeze my hand. I looked down at her and knew it was time but I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t know what was waiting on the other side of that door. I still don’t.
“Lydia looked back at me with confidence and the countenance of someone much older. So I let go and she took those last steps to the door alone. When she stepped through she didn’t look back. They never look back. I didn’t wait long before I turned to leave. When I hit the pediatrics floor I ventured past her room again. I was just in time to see them unplug the machines and lift the sheet to cover her empty body. It was there that I actually learned how she died. Emphysema, if you can believe it, brought on by secondhand smoke inhalation. Her small lungs finally gave up because they were too saturated in tar; that is why, together, we suffocated.
“That was my first and it was after my fifth experience like this that I left my own life behind. You know it’s hard, being human. I can’t always be there with them, and that is worse than the tug, the pain I feel when one leaves without me being there; when they have to find the door on their own.”
She pushed the drink away from herself and wiped the tears from her eyes. She remembered the stranger sitting across from her and slowly brought her gaze up to meet his. “I’m sorry,” she said with an embarrassed choke, “you must think I’m some loony, sitting here baring my soul with some fantastic story to a complete stranger.” The eyes of the other looked back at her with compassion and then the stranger leaned forward. He reached across the table and wrapped her hands in a warm embrace. “Soon you will experience your last death,” he whispered. Her hands were released and the stranger stood to leave. She watched in silent bewilderment as money was laid on the table to cover the bill, and she was once again alone.
Back at her cabin she lit a fire in the hearth and curled up in large chair with a blanket to enjoy its warmth. It wasn’t long before she dozed off. For the first time in a long time she didn’t dream and feel deep into a slumber of perfect silence. When she finally woke it was to a dark room. The fire had burned so low that only a glow of embers remained. She stretched once and then turned to the window to see if morning was near. But instead of the sun she was greeted by the stranger from the bar looking down at her. Instead of fear, she felt calm and relieved. She reached out and took the hand being offered her, allowing herself to be lead out the door and across the snow laden field into the woods. Together they walk for what felt like hours until they came to a door in the side of a burnt-out trailer. She looked from the door to her companion who was looking at her with the same compassion from before. “Do not be afraid. For you this is not an end but the beginning. Your purpose is greater than to sit at the bedside of death; it is you who will walk someone along the path in between; to the door of their next journey. Go on. I will be here when you return.” She reached out and firmly gripped the door knob. Like everyone before her, she did not look back as she passed through.
Angel, is from my published collection ‘Beginnings’. This book showcases some of my earlier writing and is available at Amazon.com.



