Through Darkness – January 10, 2021

Tonight I came to this restaurant because it is familiar, and I convinced myself that I could step away on my own for the simple purpose of using the restroom.

A few months back my life had hit a plateau.  The monotonous routine of my day to day existence found me going through life in a numb fashion.   It was a normal day as I walked down the hall towards my apartment door when a decision appeared before me.  At the end of the hall there was a door that I had never seen before.  It stood solid like many of the others – door handle and mail slot against a red face in the cream wall.  It had never been there before, I am pretty sure of that, but it stood there now begging to be opened.  In the moment I didn’t realize I had a choice.  Do I ignore this anomaly and enter my apartment or open this mysterious door?  I opened the door.

As it swung inward I was greeted with a darkness so black that even the light around me was lost in the void beyond.  My brain was screaming at me to shut the door and return to the safety of familiarity, the comfort of the known; but my body was compelled to move forward.  It was like an unseen force was pulling me away from everything I know and into the unseen.  Putting the light of the hall behind me I stepped over the threshold and moved a few feet in, maybe there was a light I could switch on, but with outstretched hands I couldn’t find a solid surface.  So I turned to leave and watched in fear as the light from the hall disappeared and only darkness surrounded me.

I could see nothing, hear nothing, and yet I was aware of a presence.  I tried to focus my senses, but nothing.  My eyes began to hurt from the strain of trying to see in the darkness, clouds of colors began reflecting through my retinas until a single pinpoint of light appeared before me.  I couldn’t tell if it was in the distance or just a few feet away but I began to move towards it.  Not sure of what surface lay beneath my feet I walked slowly, but the feeling of a presence began to grow stronger.  I could sense someone or something reaching out towards me.  My feet picked up speed and my slow pace sped up until I was sprinting towards the ever increasing light ahead of me, and then I was blinded as I broke through.

My senses exploded, the light was blinding and the sounds overwhelming.  I fell to my knees, my body lurching in a need to be sick yet nothing came up.  I tried to breathe but my chest burned with every attempted breath.  A firm pressure on my shoulder ripped me back to reality and I looked up into the concerned face of my building’s doorman.  I was outside, the radiant sun reflecting off windows in the buildings across the streets and the sounds of the street washed over me in a cacophony of sound.  I was on the sidewalk outside.  The doorman helped me to my feet and provided support as I reeled from a wave of dizziness.  I clung to him as he walked me back inside, finding safety in his company, but I was haunted.  The unseen presence was still there, lingering outside my vision, but there none the less.

Over the next few days and weeks the experience slowly drifted into the recesses of my memories, like a dream fading from existence.  I tried to remember, because it still had me on edge.  I had a new fear of dark spaces and closed doors but the rationale for the fear was leaving me.  Yet the presence remained, always out of sight like a figure in my peripheral taking form but never being there when I looked for it.  There were moments, usually when I was on the verge of sleep when I thought I was having a moment of recognition but eventually even the sensation of being haunted began to fade.  This shadowy figure just out of sight was just that, a shadow, my shadow.

As weeks became months my mental and emotional feelings became a new normal.  The presence that haunted me became known to me.  I had convinced myself that it was my shadow and that I had nothing to fear.  The lingering tightness in my core released a little and I began to embrace life again and work to find enjoyment.

So now I stand here, frozen, once again faced with the door.  Do I open it or can I will my body to choose the bathroom stall next door?  I close my eyes and breath slowly.  Tears begin to gather in my eyelashes and my chest tightens around my heart as it picks up pace.  The presence that has stood as my shadow for so long feels like a wall behind my back.  I open my eyes, defiant and ready to choose another stall door, but an arm reaches forward and turns the knob.  I stop breathing all together when I realize the arm is not my own and my skin crawls as I feel fingertips against my back.

With a solid push I am thrust over the threshold and stumbling in the darkness as I try to gain my footing.  I spin with the desire to run back into the safety of the light but freeze as I come face to face with my shadow.  She cocks her head slight to the side while looking back at me with eyes that are as familiar as my own skin for they are my eyes.  Slowly her mouth, my mouth curves upwards into a smile and she raises her hand to wave at me before swinging the door shut.  As the darkness closes around me the last thing I see is my face disappearing with the light.